RUNNER’S PLAIN RED SHOES OBVIOUS INSULT TO NATION’S SHARED CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS 

BY SILVER N. GOLD

FEDERAL WAY, WA- Blissfully unaware of the firestorm she was about to ignite among the good Christians of a sleepy town nestled in the God-fearing Puget Sound region, area runner Lucy Furr has been running in a pair of plain red Nikes throughout the 2015 holiday season. The blasphemy was witnessed by many reverent residents but first reported by the good pastor Matthaniel Dusa of Revelation Dimensions Ministries, a popular megachurch in the area. Continue reading

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DAD ATTEMPTS TO PULL OFF NICE RUN WITH HIS KID IN JOGGING STROLLER

BY LEIGH JOHN ARES-D’AZIZ

SUBURBIA, USA- Gundersen Green – father, runner, optimist – has attempted more than once to go for a nice run with his kid in a jogging-stroller!  But wait – there’s more: Each time he tries, he actually believes that this time it’ll work out!  And Mr. Green was back at it again last weekend, for some reason believing that he would actually be able to pull off a nice run with his kid in a jogging stroller.

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NEW CHANNEL ESPN-ULTRA TO COVER ULTRA-RUNNING 24/7

BY GREGOR IAN CHANCE

Chernobyl, Ukraine – ESPN has announced it will debut yet another ESPN channel- this one dedicated to the world of ultra-running.  The channel will feature primarily the same old, rehashed panel-shows, where five or six guys just stand around, discussing what they think was going through the athlete’s mind, or what someone’s take is on a particular competitor’s performance.  Like most of ESPN’s programming, there will be mostly filler, and little to no actual sport shown.

“In this case, it is because ultra-running is unbelievably boring,” says Tom Fulery, an executive producer at the network, “not only, you know, for the spectators, but also for the racers.  Everyone just wants the darn thing to be over with.”

Ultra-running is growing in popularity for some strange reason, but until now no television network has been willing to touch it.

ESPN-Ultra plans to broadcast live the conclusion of this ultra, which began in 1924.  It is believed most of the runners who started the race are now deceased.

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HEMP FEST MARATHON WINNER DISQUALIFIED AFTER PASSING DRUG TEST

BY BILL TIHN-LEINAR, WITH ADDITIONAL REPORTING BY STU MacAIKEN

MILE HIGH CITY, CO – In what some would call a sign of the times, the  winner of this year’s Hemp Fest Marathon was disqualified a full nine months after his record-breaking finish, when his A-sample was finally discovered and analyzed.  Ken Abbiss, of Tanzania, had completed the course an astounding 46 minutes in front of the second place finisher, “Lazy” Larry Grumbo. While his record will not stand, Mr. Abbiss does become the first athlete in history to be labeled a cheat for passing doping controls. “The rest of us were more than suspicious when he didn’t even stop to grab munchies at the aid stations!” said Mr. Grumbo when informed by The Heel Strike of the shocking announcement. Continue reading

ULTRARUNNER BRINGS TIRED AND MEANINGLESS SPORTS PLATITUDES TO ULTRARUNNING

BY FINN S. LASST

KEY WEST, FL – Minutes after winning the Florida Keys 182k Ultramarathon, first-time ultrarunner Pace Halvorson unleashed a record-breaking number of sports clichés in the post-race press conference. Halvorson, a native of Key Largo, ran the entire span of his home state’s Overseas Highway in record time, besting what many thought to be the race’s most competitive field ever. Continue reading

FALL RACES RECAP: ULTRARUNNER EATS OWN FINGER, FREE BEER AT FINISH DISAPPOINTS AGAIN, AND 5K COSPLAY GOES TOO FAR

 

NEAH BAY, WA – Racing his first ultra, area runner J’Nana Gent logged a DNF after witnessing his friend, John Crises, inhale an entire Snickers bar during the Cape Stubborn 50k. Crises, whose license plate is EATNRUN, is known for his ability to consume food and drink with almost inhuman speed. “I’d heard the stories, sure,” said Gent, “but I just didn’t think it was possible to drink an entire can of Coke in two seconds, or swallow half a russet potato whole.” Continue reading

ONLY OLD MEN AND ACTUAL REAL-LIFE MUMMIES SHOW UP AT ANNUAL “SAMHAIN GUISER AND MUMMER FAMILY FUN RUN”

BY HAL O. WEIN

WITCHES COVE, MA – The race organizing committee of the 122nd annual Samhain Guiser and Mummer Family Fun Run are reporting another disappointing showing for the 122nd year in a row.

The event – which occurs every Halloween – is supposed to feature street performers and candy-makers on every corner, and costumed runners racing around the 18th century churches and inns of this quaint maritime village.  But – as usual – nobody but really old men showed up. Continue reading

PHOTOGRAPHER REMOVES GPS WATCHES, OTHER TECH FROM HIS IMAGES TO SHOW WHAT LOATHSOME RUNNERS WE’VE BECOME

BY TED DINITUS

In a move that has caused runners worldwide to take pause and reevaluate their motivations for participating in an activity they supposedly enjoy, photographer Nik Nystrom has released a portfolio of images featuring runners with their beloved GPS sports watches, heart rate monitors, headphones and other tech photoshopped out of view. The shocking photos clearly demonstrate what despicable, tech-obsessed assholes almost all runners have become. Continue reading