OBAMA SNEAKILY ADDS RUNNING TO COMMON CORE

BY EMMA NEHMS, DC BUREAU CHIEF

Washington, D.C. – The Obama administration quietly announced this weekend that it is expanding the much-maligned Common Core program in our nation’s public schools, now to include running instruction.

US Secretary of Education, Jim Deacher,  says it is intended to help our kids better compete with high-performing countries like Jamaica and Kenya:  “We are sending our kids off to college, unprepared for track and trail. As a result, our kids are falling behind other nations.  Literally – they are falling into the water-pit, behind the guys from Kenya and Tanzania in the steeple-chase event. Not always, but once is enough for us to over-react and completely go off the deep end changing things all around.”

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RUNNER BREAKS SILENCE: JAZZ FUSION PLAYLIST REASON FOR RECENT SUCCESS

BIRDLAND, NY –

After years of finishing at or near the back of the pack, Charlie “Duke” Miles has finished first in his age group (40-44) in all of his recent races. But up until now, the secret to his winning ways has remained a mystery. Was it some new kind of energy gel? No. Awesome compression socks with ridiculous energy return? Uh uh. A ramped-up training schedule that saw him exceed his average monthly mileage by over 30 percent? Great guess, but nope. The secret to this runner’s newfound success? His sweet jazz fusion playlist. Continue reading

GO FOR A RUN, OR OPEN UP A BEER?

It’s been a long, tough day.  You’re dead tired, the weather sucks, and you just wanna open up a beer and start binge watching Property Brothers. On the other hand, you really oughta go out and get your run in first.  But…hmm…I mean, you could skip it today. It’s just one day. But… didn’t go yesterday either, or the day before, so…This beer will still be here after you get back from your nice run. Why don’t you just make it a quickie? Then again, why even bother for just a quickie? Well, but a quickie’s better than nothing. Maybe, but is it really worth the effort? What if you just relax with a beer and go to bed early?  That’s good for you too, right? You can go for a run tomorrow. But, what if you can’t go tomorrow? Okay then, go tonight. You know you want to. But you also just want that beer.

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Run, or beer?

We’ve been there! A lot. So we made this t-chart to help us. We hope it helps you, too!

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FINNISH RUNNING LEGEND MIKKIMATTI DIES ON SAME DAY AS BOWIE, FINLAND GETS SCREWED OVER AGAIN*

BY TODD LUHR, JR., EUROPE BUREAU CHIEF

Lapin Laani, Finland- The hugely influential Finnish runner-mime  Matti “Mikki” Mikkimatti has died, at the age of 69, after a drawn out battle with chafing and bunyans. The chafing and bunyans had nothing to do with why he died; he had just been battling them recently. He actually died from drowning, after he fell through a newly-frozen lake in the Peekaleeka District in central Finland.

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Local Runner Gives Opinion About His Compression Socks, Gets OWNED by Other Runner with Different Opinion

BY SHEILA SHOCKER

Well, the The Compression Sock Liberals are back at it again!  I’m not sure if they’re just lying so much that they’re actually starting to believe their blatant lies, or if they’re just SO ignorant that they believe the evil lies of the pro-compression sock lobby, but every time they give yet another idiotic pro-compression sock opinion, SCIENCE and LOGIC are there to put the SMACKDOWN on them!

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FINALLY, A COMPANY INTEGRATES EVERY POSSIBLE PIECE OF TECH INTO ONE PERFECT PAIR OF SOCKS!

SPONSORED POST

A new sock startup has the big running sock manufacturers running scared! eRunningSocks.com is dragging the ancient sport of running out of the Stone Age by combining proprietary nanotechnology and NASA-developed “moon fabric” to create the world’s most perfect sock.

eRunningSocks.com founder Chase M. Down started with the simple idea of integrating all our tech “wearables” into what most runners already have to wear anyway. As the former Cal Tech Adjunct Professor of Applied Nano Structures and Supramolecular Assemblies tells it, he was out for his morning jog before heading into the lab, when he stopped in his tracks:

“I had an epiphany! I was wearing a GPS watch on my wrist, my cell phone strapped to my arm, compression socks, compression sleeves and compression underpants, and my thermoregulator in my shorts…and in spite of all this stuff, running fast is still not super easy? That’s not right! Right then and there, I put all of my passion, energy, and grad students into developing one perfect wearable that does it all, and actually makes running faster virtually effortless!”

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DAD ATTEMPTS TO PULL OFF NICE RUN WITH HIS KID IN JOGGING STROLLER

BY LEIGH JOHN ARES-D’AZIZ

SUBURBIA, USA- Gundersen Green – father, runner, optimist – has attempted more than once to go for a nice run with his kid in a jogging-stroller!  But wait – there’s more: Each time he tries, he actually believes that this time it’ll work out!  And Mr. Green was back at it again last weekend, for some reason believing that he would actually be able to pull off a nice run with his kid in a jogging stroller.

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