BY SHEILA SHOCKER
Well, the The Compression Sock Liberals are back at it again! I’m not sure if they’re just lying so much that they’re actually starting to believe their blatant lies, or if they’re just SO ignorant that they believe the evil lies of the pro-compression sock lobby, but every time they give yet another idiotic pro-compression sock opinion, SCIENCE and LOGIC are there to put the SMACKDOWN on them!
BY SILVER N. GOLD
FEDERAL WAY, WA- Blissfully unaware of the firestorm she was about to ignite among the good Christians of a sleepy town nestled in the God-fearing Puget Sound region, area runner Lucy Furr has been running in a pair of plain red Nikes throughout the 2015 holiday season. The blasphemy was witnessed by many reverent residents but first reported by the good pastor Matthaniel Dusa of Revelation Dimensions Ministries, a popular megachurch in the area. Continue reading
BY BILL TIHN-LEINAR, WITH ADDITIONAL REPORTING BY STU MacAIKEN
MILE HIGH CITY, CO – In what some would call a sign of the times, the winner of this year’s Hemp Fest Marathon was disqualified a full nine months after his record-breaking finish, when his A-sample was finally discovered and analyzed. Ken Abbiss, of Tanzania, had completed the course an astounding 46 minutes in front of the second place finisher, “Lazy” Larry Grumbo. While his record will not stand, Mr. Abbiss does become the first athlete in history to be labeled a cheat for passing doping controls. “The rest of us were more than suspicious when he didn’t even stop to grab munchies at the aid stations!” said Mr. Grumbo when informed by The Heel Strike of the shocking announcement. Continue reading
BY FINN S. LASST
KEY WEST, FL – Minutes after winning the Florida Keys 182k Ultramarathon, first-time ultrarunner Pace Halvorson unleashed a record-breaking number of sports clichés in the post-race press conference. Halvorson, a native of Key Largo, ran the entire span of his home state’s Overseas Highway in record time, besting what many thought to be the race’s most competitive field ever. Continue reading
BY HAL O. WEIN
WITCHES COVE, MA – The race organizing committee of the 122nd annual Samhain Guiser and Mummer Family Fun Run are reporting another disappointing showing for the 122nd year in a row.
The event – which occurs every Halloween – is supposed to feature street performers and candy-makers on every corner, and costumed runners racing around the 18th century churches and inns of this quaint maritime village. But – as usual – nobody but really old men showed up. Continue reading
BY TED DINITUS
In a move that has caused runners worldwide to take pause and reevaluate their motivations for participating in an activity they supposedly enjoy, photographer Nik Nystrom has released a portfolio of images featuring runners with their beloved GPS sports watches, heart rate monitors, headphones and other tech photoshopped out of view. The shocking photos clearly demonstrate what despicable, tech-obsessed assholes almost all runners have become. Continue reading
BY BILL CHAFEY
BEAR, MI – It was the purchase heard ’round the world – the running world, at least. Local attorney and aspiring runner Doug Chad purchased a pair of marked-down LA Gear running shoes at a local Big 5 store, then posted his haul online.
“Best shape of my life, here I come! #lagearprimal #big5sale” Chad posted on Instagram along with a picture of the shoes. Continue reading
BY LES GOODE, NATIONAL RUNNING ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT
It seems like it happens almost every week these days: Another massacre on the trails. And another. And another. It feels like it’s well beyond our control, and nobody – not security, not the organizers, and definitely not the rest of the racers – can do anything about it.
The anti-running lobby blames these massacres on the National Running Association. They like to claim that the NRA doesn’t really represent you, the American runner; that its real mission is the proliferation of running shoes and running gear; and that it won’t rest until there’s a pair of running shoes in every single American home. Continue reading
BY ABE D. MUNN
AAS, NORWAY – A new study released from Washington State University’s Fanny S. Meller College of Proctology proves we were right all along: when you fart when running, it really is like a little rocket booster.
“My research ass-istants and I wanted simply to probe the age-old belief that farting contributes to a runner’s forward momentum,” smirked lead researcher, Dr. Hugh Cottawif. “Butt, in the end, I think we really got to the bottom of it!”
The study reveals, for example, that each and every fart expelled lowers the runner’s body weight. Therefore, several farts all in a row – on every footfall, or every other footfall, all in quick succession – can have a noticeable effect on fatigue, as the runner instantly drops several ounces of cumbersome weight from their core. Continue reading