BY EMMA NEHMS, DC BUREAU CHIEF
Washington, D.C. – The Obama administration quietly announced this weekend that it is expanding the much-maligned Common Core program in our nation’s public schools, now to include running instruction.
US Secretary of Education, Jim Deacher, says it is intended to help our kids better compete with high-performing countries like Jamaica and Kenya: “We are sending our kids off to college, unprepared for track and trail. As a result, our kids are falling behind other nations. Literally – they are falling into the water-pit, behind the guys from Kenya and Tanzania in the steeple-chase event. Not always, but once is enough for us to over-react and completely go off the deep end changing things all around.”
Schools will be required to cut even more lunchtime and recess in order to make sure students can pass the new standardized time-trials, and under-achieving schools will lose funding. “If they stink in hurdles, for example, because the school can’t afford any hurdles to practice with, then we will just go ahead and make it even harder for them to buy hurdles. That should teach them!”
The new standards are being developed cooperatively by the not-for-profit Track and Field Fun Foundation; Obama-campaign contributor and author of Running Swedish Style, Mats “The Mountain Man” Ingebrigtsen; and Washington State University’s School of Animal Husbandry.
“The ‘one-foot-forward-and then-the-other’ style of learning to run is obviously no longer viable in this fast-paced world,” says Deacher. “Now, our children will learn to run using techniques that will have them going sideways before they start going straight. Parents may not understand at first, but all they need to understand is that we decided that this way is better, and that they are powerless to stop it.” When pressed, Deacher accidentally admitted that it – like its math and reading predecessor – is nothing more than a money-making scheme, in this case pushed forward by Illinois-based stop-watch manufacturer ChicaGO!
-Additional reporting by Reece S. Pisus