BY ALISON VÜNDERLUND
Redmond, WA – A rumble between cyclists and runners occurred due to a disagreement over a shared-use trail near the Microsoft campus last week. The cyclists started it by taunting the runners for not having tight, brightly colored jerseys with some company logo on them. Witnesses say it soon escalated to an all-out turf war.“The cyclists broke out into single-file lines, and the guy in the front would fight for a few minutes and then drop to the back of the line, and the next guy in line would start fighting, and then he’d move to the back and… well, it was pretty efficient,” said one witness, who asked not to be named. “On the other side, some of the joggers kept running in place when they had the chance to rest a bit. They looked really ridiculous doing that.”
But the runners had an advantage, as several drivers intentionally came way too close to the cyclists, some even flipping them off or shouting ASSHOLE! at them for no apparent reason, causing many cyclists to wobble momentarily. Other park-goers reported seeing a number of runners who very skillfully blew snot-rockets onto the cyclists’ Oakleys.
“Early on, it was clear it wasn’t going well for the cyclists,” said Max, who requested we only use his first name. “If the cyclists didn’t have every last piece of equipment just perfect – their gloves, helmet, even their trip-computer – they would just stop whatever they were doing to get it adjusted.”
Lee, who asked for only his middle name to be used, described how some cyclists, sensing the battle wasn’t going their way, tried to hide behind bushes and then sneak up on the runners, “but they would always hear them click-clack click-clacking up behind them.”
The combatants scattered as police approached the scene. Though no runners were apprehended, 32 cyclists were arrested.
“When we arrived, the runners were long gone,” said a police spokesperson, who asked not to be named because he or she did not want his or her apps or software or whatever to be messed with by the cyclists. “But the cyclists were still there getting ready to race away, with their bikes upside down, fiddling around with their tires or cranks or bike computers, going on and on about Bitcoin and IPAs.”
The spokesperson went on, laughing: “They’ve been model prisoners, though. Great at lining up single-file for grub, and they really loved getting matching shirts with the name of the prison on them. They seem to like believing that they’re sponsored or something.”