BY ADAM BADWATER
ANAHEIM, CA – Accomplished but holier-than-thou runner Arn Ulysses, finisher of over 300 marathons in less than 10 years, scoffed himself to death while reading a Beginners’ running forum online. Ulysses, who had several sub 3-hour marathon finishes under his belt prior to his death, had always taken a perverse, self-serving pleasure in perusing new runners’ accounts of their struggles and successes.
This time, he took his arrogance too far.
Ulysses – and his wife, Sally – were no strangers to the now-dead distance runner’s repertoire of vocal ticks: from slow-growing chortles to rapid-fire staccato grunting, the departed marathoner was clearly the household’s top scoffer.
And then some.
“It was just something I’d grown used to,” said Sally Ulysses. “So on that fateful night when I heard sounds like ‘PSHHHAWW!’ ‘AAAAHT!‘ and ‘TCHOCK! TCHOCK!! K-KAUWWGHH!!‘ coming from Arn’s office…well, that was just normal, right?”
Convinced her judgmental husband was simply in the midst of yet another session of hate-reading some newbie’s post about finishing a 5k in less than an hour or some other nonsense like that, she simply continued reading her book in the adjoining room.
Maybe instead of reading, she should have been rescuing her now-cremated husband.
“It didn’t occur to me until I started hearing some new sounds that something might be wrong. It was, like, ‘BLAAAUUNGH!!! BLAAAUUNGH!! CRUUUUTCH!!‘ and ‘HEEEEEELP, HEEEEEELPPP!!! CAAAHHHH!!! CAAAAAHHHHH!!!!’ Just that kind of stuff, over and over again,” said Ulysses’ wife.
It was only after nearly five minutes of silence that Sally Ulysses thought to check on her husband, and by then it was too late. Her now-no-longer-living husband was slumped lifelessly over his laptop, dead.
“I knew right then and there it was the scoffing that killed him. The doctors said his throat and just everything back there totally prolapsed and he choked on his own trachea. A terrible way to go,” Sally Ulysses said through tears.
The offending material? A post on a Beginners’ Forum celebrating a business entrepreneur who recently resolved to run 1 mile per day in 2016.
“The old fool, he’s probably rolling in his grave,” said Sally Ulysses. “I can just hear him now: ‘What kind of goal is that?! Pshaw! Psshaw!! Tffft!!'”