BY SILVER N. GOLD
FEDERAL WAY, WA- Blissfully unaware of the firestorm she was about to ignite among the good Christians of a sleepy town nestled in the God-fearing Puget Sound region, area runner Lucy Furr has been running in a pair of plain red Nikes throughout the 2015 holiday season. The blasphemy was witnessed by many reverent residents but first reported by the good pastor Matthaniel Dusa of Revelation Dimensions Ministries, a popular megachurch in the area.
“And on the day before the Solstice,” Dusa said in a video he filmed on his phone while driving his GMC Yukon XL through a Starbucks drive thru, “I say that I bore witness to a woman running, clad in shoes of red…but with neither Christ-like iconography nor pious embroidery!”
Dusa’s followers were quick to chime in online with damningly accurate recollections of seeing holiday runners in previous years donning all sorts of divinely inspired footwear.
“I recall with the clarity of the Star of David that some shoe company or other – just last year, in fact – did a shoe with John 6:9 inscribed on the heels,” tweeted Reverend Chat DuHarm, a friend of Dusa’s.
When pressed by The Heel Strike to produce actual evidence of running shoes displaying the verse “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?” DuHarm closed the door on any further speculation.
“You know, that’s just how I remember it,” said the sagacious shoe hound. “You think I’d just make something like that up because I’m secretly afraid that we’re becoming a Godless nation? Shame! Shame on you, I say!”
Furr herself was unavailable for comment, but a friend of the red-shoed runner did state that “she’s probably too busy running and, in general, not being an asshat to get caught up in some manufactured episode of Christian outrage.”
Reverend Dusa has not been heard from since the video from the Starbucks drive thru, though several witnesses do say they saw a man in a huge SUV speeding away from the coffee shop yelling something about a plain red cup.