BIG RED RHONDA BESTS COLONEL PLUMPENMEISTER IN SEASON’S FIRST TURKEY TROT

BY LEAH TARD

Plymouth Rock, MA- It was a finish for the ages, as late-entry Big Red Rhonda made an impressive come-from-behind surge in the last 20 meters of the season’s first turkey trot, passing pre-season favorite, Colonel Plumpenmeister, in one of the most exciting finishes in the history of turkey trots.

While participation in 5k turkey trots and fun runs has continued to grow over the last decade, with new races popping up every year, the true turkey trot has remained wildly unpopular.  And with good reason. It takes an enormous amount of patience to cheer on trotting turkeys for 5k – and most of the time the fowls wander off course within the first 30 seconds. But the Plymouth Rock Turkey Trot has been trotted since 1621 – introduced to the pilgrims by Squanto (along with touch football and arguing about politics) – and since the locals are the direct descendants of said puritans, they have the uncanny ability to withstand endless boredom. That, and because not a single soul came out to this cold and dreary beach last year to withstand the endless hours of boredom, they finally cut it down this year from 5k to just 20 meters.

Colonel Plumpenmeister – a broad breasted white – was well ahead of the rest of the rafter (it’s a group of turkeys, turkey*), but only a few meters from the finish his legs buckled below the weight of all his overdeveloped white meat.  At this point, certified organic, free-range Big Red Rhonda finally completed registration, got on her race-bib, and then just rocketed past all those other turkeys out there.  At the finish, the bourbon red strutted around proudly in the rain, basting  basking in cheers.  Not even the War on Thanksgiving protesters shouting, “Lincoln lied, turkeys died,” could dampen the day.  Because, I mean, we were all really damp. Like, I’ve never been so soaked in my life.  I mean, the weather in Plymouth Rock just sucks.  Now I understand why the pilgrims cried!

Not the turkey we’re talking about

The Heel Strike wanted to know if Rhonda had any advice for first-time turkey trotters: “Gobble gobble gobble,” she recommended.  We asked the second place finisher, Instanbul Was Constantinople, if he agreed that carb-loading is the key to success, and he echoed her advice: “Gobble gobble gobble.”

The crowd got cold and bored before anyone saw if there was a third place finisher.

*Editor’s note

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