BY BILL TIHN-LEINAR, WITH ADDITIONAL REPORTING BY STU MacAIKEN
MILE HIGH CITY, CO – In what some would call a sign of the times, the winner of this year’s Hemp Fest Marathon was disqualified a full nine months after his record-breaking finish, when his A-sample was finally discovered and analyzed. Ken Abbiss, of Tanzania, had completed the course an astounding 46 minutes in front of the second place finisher, “Lazy” Larry Grumbo. While his record will not stand, Mr. Abbiss does become the first athlete in history to be labeled a cheat for passing doping controls. “The rest of us were more than suspicious when he didn’t even stop to grab munchies at the aid stations!” said Mr. Grumbo when informed by The Heel Strike of the shocking announcement.
It took 273 days before Abbiss’ A-sample was finally tested, as it had been misplaced and completely forgotten by the race organizers – who eventually stumbled across the vial (and several others) in an empty Hungry-Man frozen dinner tray beneath a pair of boxers hanging from a lamp on their nightstand. “Just totally spaced it” was the official explanation from the organizing committee. Eventually, in a moment of clarity, the stray A-sample was rushed to the local WADA agency – which had already tested all the B-samples and had been awaiting the A-samples. “Mr. Abbiss’ B-sample had been labeled Jar Jar Binks, and then that was crossed out and they scrawled next to it, Piper Bong ha ha ha,” explained a WADA spokesperson. “Every year it’s pretty much the same thing, so we knew right away which event the samples came from. Where’d they say they found them this time? On top of the kitchen cabinets?… Oh, the Hungry-Man… again?”
Needless to say, Mr. Abbiss has already lodged a protest of the decision, citing mishandling of the A-sample and mislabeling of the B-sample. “I guarantee you, my hand to God, I was definitely doped up,” said Abbiss.
Asked to comment on the incident, the organizers stated, “In…cident. Ever notice how weird that word is? In…cident. Like, it’s in something. In a cident. Like, what’s a cident? Dude, I never noticed that!”
When The Heel Strike clarified that the incident in question was the misplacement of the A-sample and the consequent disqualification, the organizers said, “Ohhhh, right, that incident. Umm… wait, what was the question again?”