NEAH BAY, WA – Racing his first ultra, area runner J’Nana Gent logged a DNF after witnessing his friend, John Crises, inhale an entire Snickers bar during the Cape Stubborn 50k. Crises, whose license plate is EATNRUN, is known for his ability to consume food and drink with almost inhuman speed. “I’d heard the stories, sure,” said Gent, “but I just didn’t think it was possible to drink an entire can of Coke in two seconds, or swallow half a russet potato whole.”
The two runners had stopped at an aid station at mile 10 for a quick breather and snack. Gent was adjusting his CamelBak and not even into his food yet when Crises suddenly had a Snickers bar in his hands. “How he even got it in his hands, that was amazing enough,” Gent began. “Maybe he’s some kind of sorcerer, because I swear that thing materialized out of thin air.” What followed only intensified the magic in the air.
“I was just getting in my bag to snag a banana, so I wasn’t looking at him,” continued Gent. “Then I glance over at him after, like, one second and it was gone. The only plausible explanation is that he swallowed the thing whole. I mean, he couldn’t have even taken the wrapper off! And he was just staring at me, like totally bored-looking, and was like ‘You ready?’ And I was like, ‘Where’s your finger?’ And he was like, ‘Hmm? Oh, I don’t know. Might’ve swallowed it. Ready?'”
So mystified was Gent that he was unable to continue the race and, instead of finishing, veered deep off-course into a forested glen to ruminate on what he’d seen. It is not yet known when – or whether – he’ll return to ultrarunning.
PORTLAND, OR – Organizers of The Everything Possible 5k admit they may have over-promised and under-delivered, as it turned out to be nothing but a trail race that people had to actually run just for the joy of running. Newly-engaged couple Frank Lee Scarlett and Ida Givadahm drove 12 straight hours from British Columbia to take part in the race that combines every single race gimmick out there into one awesome 5k. “But it was literally just running through the woods, on our own two feet, on some sort of… trail, I think is what it was called?” said Scarlett.
His bride-to-be added: “We were super pumped for the giant slide, the mud pits, the confetti cannons, and the rock bands and barbecue at the start, finish, and every k along the way. There was none of it! All they gave us was a can of Coors! That’s worse than Kokanee! Disgusting!”
Even more disappointingly, there ended up being only one winner of the race – the actual person who won the race.
“What’s the point if we don’t all receive one of those chintzy medals from China? Isn’t that why we all do this crazy thing called the 5k?” screamed Scarlett out the window of his Isuzu Trooper II as he and his future ex-wife spun out in the pit of mud that was the race organizers’ sorry excuse for a parking lot.
BALTIMORE, MD – The 1st annual HELL-o-ween Devilry 666k Relay ended in controversy and confusion as onlookers mistook a team of participants dressed as characters from HBO’s The Wire for actual actors from The Wire. The race, which The Heel Strike previewed last month, has yet to announce an official winner due to the odd chain of events that occurred near the finish line.
The Wire team, led by team captain Mason Evans (dressed as Detective Jimmy McNulty), established a commanding lead early in the race and by day 6 seemed a lock to win it all. But their advantage would prove to be their undoing, as several Baltimore citizens noticed the Wire team, still in costume, perusing the city’s sights while waiting for their relay anchor to finish the final 111k of the race. Soon, Twitter was ablaze with rumors of a Wire reunion happening in the city where it was filmed. Before long a large group of fans had amassed behind the team as they made their way to the finish line.
What should have been a record finish (the race was in its first year) turned into a TV show reunion gone wrong, the mob of Wire fans becoming increasingly unruly as they demanded autographs and selfies with the costumed crew. Foiled by fanboys, the Wire team was unable to finish the race and a much slower Star Wars: The Force Awakens-clad group crossed the finish line first, just ahead of Team Frozen – but only because Kylo Ren deftly tossed his awesome cross-guard lightsaber over the line ahead of Olaf’s styrofoam stick arm, which got carried away by the very light breeze. Team captains McNulty, Queen Elsa, and Chewbacca immediately issued protests at the judges table. Race officials are still attempting to sort out the debacle and are expected to announce a winner sometime before next year’s race.