BIG RED RHONDA BESTS COLONEL PLUMPENMEISTER IN SEASON’S FIRST TURKEY TROT

BY LEAH TARD

Plymouth Rock, MA- It was a finish for the ages, as late-entry Big Red Rhonda made an impressive come-from-behind surge in the last 20 meters of the season’s first turkey trot, passing pre-season favorite, Colonel Plumpenmeister, in one of the most exciting finishes in the history of turkey trots.

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HEMP FEST MARATHON WINNER DISQUALIFIED AFTER PASSING DRUG TEST

BY BILL TIHN-LEINAR, WITH ADDITIONAL REPORTING BY STU MacAIKEN

MILE HIGH CITY, CO – In what some would call a sign of the times, the  winner of this year’s Hemp Fest Marathon was disqualified a full nine months after his record-breaking finish, when his A-sample was finally discovered and analyzed.  Ken Abbiss, of Tanzania, had completed the course an astounding 46 minutes in front of the second place finisher, “Lazy” Larry Grumbo. While his record will not stand, Mr. Abbiss does become the first athlete in history to be labeled a cheat for passing doping controls. “The rest of us were more than suspicious when he didn’t even stop to grab munchies at the aid stations!” said Mr. Grumbo when informed by The Heel Strike of the shocking announcement. Continue reading

ULTRARUNNER BRINGS TIRED AND MEANINGLESS SPORTS PLATITUDES TO ULTRARUNNING

BY FINN S. LASST

KEY WEST, FL – Minutes after winning the Florida Keys 182k Ultramarathon, first-time ultrarunner Pace Halvorson unleashed a record-breaking number of sports clichés in the post-race press conference. Halvorson, a native of Key Largo, ran the entire span of his home state’s Overseas Highway in record time, besting what many thought to be the race’s most competitive field ever. Continue reading

FALL RACES RECAP: ULTRARUNNER EATS OWN FINGER, FREE BEER AT FINISH DISAPPOINTS AGAIN, AND 5K COSPLAY GOES TOO FAR

 

NEAH BAY, WA – Racing his first ultra, area runner J’Nana Gent logged a DNF after witnessing his friend, John Crises, inhale an entire Snickers bar during the Cape Stubborn 50k. Crises, whose license plate is EATNRUN, is known for his ability to consume food and drink with almost inhuman speed. “I’d heard the stories, sure,” said Gent, “but I just didn’t think it was possible to drink an entire can of Coke in two seconds, or swallow half a russet potato whole.” Continue reading