ONLY OLD MEN AND ACTUAL REAL-LIFE MUMMIES SHOW UP AT ANNUAL “SAMHAIN GUISER AND MUMMER FAMILY FUN RUN”

BY HAL O. WEIN

WITCHES COVE, MA – The race organizing committee of the 122nd annual Samhain Guiser and Mummer Family Fun Run are reporting another disappointing showing for the 122nd year in a row.

The event – which occurs every Halloween – is supposed to feature street performers and candy-makers on every corner, and costumed runners racing around the 18th century churches and inns of this quaint maritime village.  But – as usual – nobody but really old men showed up.

“And these old guys are super slow with their Hoverounds, and don’t even bother dressing up,” says race organizer and founder Gundersen Green. “I mean, what’s the fun of Samhain if you don’t guise? Don’t kids still guise up for Samhain? So why don’t kids and families ever show up for our festivities? Samhain is really all about the kids these days, right? Carving turnips, sharing soul cakes, tolling bells around bonfires to ring in the good and banish the bad, and guising and mumming and trick-or-treating! I mean, what are these old men always coming around our race for?  I think they’re the reason the kids don’t think this is a cool race!”

This carved root vegetable was one of the few things to “turnip” for Guiser and Mummer 2015.

Green says it wasn’t a total bust, though: “I did spy a few mummy mummers at the starting line. But upon closer inspection, it turned out that they were literally just mummified old men. They definitely weren’t mumming or guising, but from a distance I guess they could be mistaken for guisers, so we’re calling it a win!”

Green is now beginning preparations for his next race, the 9th annual Amerigo Vespucci 43,089k Cartographic and Celestial Navigation Family Fun Run, which takes place from Nov. 2- Nov. 1.  “An entire family of five tragically perished last year in that one – somewhere south of the Azores. Horrifically consumed by oceanic white tip sharks (C. longimanus*). They would’ve been disqualified anyway because we caught them using a sextant – but it was still tragic. Also, because they were the only participants.”

*Editor’s note

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