BY LES GOODE, NATIONAL RUNNING ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT
It seems like it happens almost every week these days: Another massacre on the trails. And another. And another. It feels like it’s well beyond our control, and nobody – not security, not the organizers, and definitely not the rest of the racers – can do anything about it.
The anti-running lobby blames these massacres on the National Running Association. They like to claim that the NRA doesn’t really represent you, the American runner; that its real mission is the proliferation of running shoes and running gear; and that it won’t rest until there’s a pair of running shoes in every single American home.
Well, anti-running crowd, you got us. It’s true: The NRA does partner with the manufacturing and retail sector, along with its millions of other members, to preserve and protect every American’s God-given right to bare arms, goose-bumped legs, and a responsive pair of kicks on a misty morn! Yeah, it may not be in the 2nd Amendment, but we think that a healthy, fleet-footed populace is just as important as a well-regulated militia in guarding against tyranny.
The anti-running lobby not only attacks the NRA, but it also has the gall to go after our beloved sport and the traditions we runners hold sacred! It spreads malicious propaganda trying to convince you that running is unsafe; that it’s bad for your knees, your back, your taint, and your sphincter. They say running makes for ugly toenails, causes nipple-bleed, and increases your chances of brushing against nettles. Of course, this rarely happens with responsible and experienced runners, and the statistics prove it.
Truth is, running has never been safer than it is today, and the industry has done far more to make its products better and safer than any laws ever have. Today’s shoes have improved padding, better traction, roomier toe-boxes, even easy-lacing systems. But even these advances will not prevent massacres.
Because you see, it’s not about how many clips you can carry on a stretchy belt, or the capacity of your CamelBak. That same firepower is available to the responsible, 40-year old family man. But it’s never 40-year old family men committing these massacres of the rest of the field: it’s the millennials.
The statistics speak for themselves: 40-year olds purchase more gear than anyone else, but in case after case after case, its a millennial massacring the competition out there. Men in or near their 20s. Every single time.
Sure, a forty-year old might win his or her division. But not the overall. And if they do, it’s usually just barely.
Look, the millennials are the worst! You’ve all had to work with them – that sense of entitlement, and all the coddling and hand-holding they require! It’s like, just make a damn decision on your own for once! Jeez! I know your mommy never let you out of her sight, and you got all those trophies and ribbons just for being you, but I don’t care if you call the shipper or email them, just pick one! Look, I don’t see why just because they learned how to talk computer before they learned how to talk human, that they should be running the entire IT department. And why I should have to ask them to please give my computer “permissions” so I can open my own file. And then they go, “Okay, you’re all set,” and I’m like, “Oh, I’m also having issues logging on to the VPN,” and they’re like, “Oh, sorry, you’ll have to submit a new ticket for that.”
But we Gen-Xers – we didn’t have trophies just doled out to us. In high-school, I was fourth place three years in a row at state – so I have zero trophies, and my parents weren’t there to watch me. Nobody’s parents were. We Gen-Xers – we walked home from the bus by ourselves, we heated up our own dinners, and we were actually allowed to go outside. Well, it’s not that we were allowed so much as that our folks just didn’t care where we went or what we did. Our playground toys were made of cold, hard metal, and our ball-fields made of mud. And we weren’t sure if our parents even loved us.
We believe in paying our dues. For our entire lives! But the Me Generation doesn’t – they just laze on in, face in phone, expecting to be loved and admired and paid more than me! And now they also get to win all the races? It’s infuriating!
But we at the NRA have a solution: Wikipedia says only 35% of millennials give a rip about politics and government, so while they’re obsessing over selfies and Chipotle, let’s just go ahead and just ban them. And not just from National Running Association races. Let’s just ban them altogether. No more massacres on the trails, no more entitled attitudes in the workplace, no more hand-holding! And while we’re at it, let’s ban them from owning firearms! That other NRA probably won’t go for it, but I’m sure you’ve noticed that it’s always a male millennial responsible for the all the school shootings, all the drug shootings, and all the terrorism? I’m not saying all millennials are terrorists, but all terrorists are millennials. Hold on a second…
What?… Oh, sorry. The editors are telling me to stick to running and running-related satire, unless… Oh, unless I can somehow tie it in with running. Yeah, no, I don’t see how that’s possible. Well, because it’s two totally different topics. So, do you want me to delete that part, or? Oh, they say they’re just gonna do a disclaimer. So we’re good, then? Sorry I almost ruined your cute little running blog! Huh? Yeah you’re darn right I’m upset! Well, because here I am trying to just start a discussion about regulating millennials and you’re just shutting me down! You are too! Yes you are! Look, I support the Bill of Rights one hundred percent, just not for millennials! Yeah, the whole thing, the whole bill. They shouldn’t get any of them! Religion, the self-incrimination one, the giving quarter without consent one – Oh, I suppose you think they’re entitled to it! One of you guys a millennial?! Huh?! Idiot! No, you are! No, you are! Well, you’re lib-tards! Fine, you’re conserva-tards, then! Oh, you think that’s derogatory?! Well, you’re still trolls! No you are! No, you are! That’s it, I am so done! I am so done! No, I’m done!
So anyway, about millennials…
*Opinions expressed in The Heel Strike are not necessarily those of the editors, or even those of the person who is expressing the opinion. We agree with this guy about millennials though – ugh.