BY ABE D. MUNN
AAS, NORWAY – A new study released from Washington State University’s Fanny S. Meller College of Proctology proves we were right all along: when you fart when running, it really is like a little rocket booster.
“My research ass-istants and I wanted simply to probe the age-old belief that farting contributes to a runner’s forward momentum,” smirked lead researcher, Dr. Hugh Cottawif. “Butt, in the end, I think we really got to the bottom of it!”
The study reveals, for example, that each and every fart expelled lowers the runner’s body weight. Therefore, several farts all in a row – on every footfall, or every other footfall, all in quick succession – can have a noticeable effect on fatigue, as the runner instantly drops several ounces of cumbersome weight from their core.
“This may not be a tremendous surprise to runners, who typically cheer up when they feel that butt-breeze a-blowin’,” said the cheeky professor. But it’s what they discovered next that Dr. Cottawif believes will send shockwaves through the industry: Runners who released especially repugnant gas were generally observed to widen the gap on the runner behind them, as these runners appeared to intentionally drop even farther back behind the hyper-flatulent racer. “We proved a direct correlation between the degree of offensiveness of the gastric-release, and the resulting lead over the next runner,” chimed in one of the other researchers, clearly embarrassed by the good doctor’s puns.
But the professor quickly elbowed her aside and resumed: “While the degree of putridness had an ass-tounding effect on he who smelt it- it had no effect on he who dealt it: Whether the flatula was horribly rancid or simply foul, ‘the rocket-effect’ was unchanged.”
For the double-blind study, volunteers were fed the same meals and snacks each day for two weeks to ensure nutrition and hydration were equal among all participants. Based on their findings, the researchers managed to create a flatulence meal-matrix, with some ingredients resulting in more powerful explosions, whilst others made for more malodorous vapors. So a racer can now conceivably customize a meal-program to achieve his or her desired rate of propulsion and degree of repugnance.
Cottawif predicts the findings may even alter the way runners train for a big race, as the winner will not only have to have the strongest legs, core, and heart, but also the toughest intestines. “Because his closest competitor towards the end of a grueling race may be thawing a frozen convenience-store burrito in his pants – which of course we ranked number two in both categories. Number two, heeheehee.”