ONLY OLD MEN AND ACTUAL REAL-LIFE MUMMIES SHOW UP AT ANNUAL “SAMHAIN GUISER AND MUMMER FAMILY FUN RUN”

BY HAL O. WEIN

WITCHES COVE, MA – The race organizing committee of the 122nd annual Samhain Guiser and Mummer Family Fun Run are reporting another disappointing showing for the 122nd year in a row.

The event – which occurs every Halloween – is supposed to feature street performers and candy-makers on every corner, and costumed runners racing around the 18th century churches and inns of this quaint maritime village.  But – as usual – nobody but really old men showed up. Continue reading

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PHOTOGRAPHER REMOVES GPS WATCHES, OTHER TECH FROM HIS IMAGES TO SHOW WHAT LOATHSOME RUNNERS WE’VE BECOME

BY TED DINITUS

In a move that has caused runners worldwide to take pause and reevaluate their motivations for participating in an activity they supposedly enjoy, photographer Nik Nystrom has released a portfolio of images featuring runners with their beloved GPS sports watches, heart rate monitors, headphones and other tech photoshopped out of view. The shocking photos clearly demonstrate what despicable, tech-obsessed assholes almost all runners have become. Continue reading

MAN BUYS SHOES AT BIG 5 ON PURPOSE, POLARIZES RUNNING COMMUNITY

BY BILL CHAFEY

BEAR, MI – It was the purchase heard ’round the world – the running world, at least. Local attorney and aspiring runner Doug Chad purchased a pair of marked-down LA Gear running shoes at a local Big 5 store, then posted his haul online.

“Best shape of my life, here I come! #lagearprimal #big5sale” Chad posted on Instagram along with a picture of the shoes. Continue reading

ANOTHER WEEK, ANOTHER MASSACRE: BLAME MILLENNIALS, NOT NRA*

BY LES GOODE, NATIONAL RUNNING ASSOCIATION PRESIDENT

It seems like it happens almost every week these days: Another massacre on the trails. And another. And another. It feels like it’s well beyond our control, and nobody – not security, not the organizers, and definitely not the rest of the racers – can do anything about it.

The anti-running lobby blames these massacres on the National Running Association. They like to claim that the NRA doesn’t really represent you, the American runner; that its real mission is the proliferation of running shoes and running gear; and that it won’t rest until there’s a pair of running shoes in every single American home. Continue reading

NEW STUDY CONFIRMS: FARTS REALLY DO GIVE RUNNERS A ROCKET BOOST

BY ABE D. MUNN

AAS, NORWAY – A new study released from Washington State University’s Fanny S. Meller College of Proctology proves we were right all along: when you fart when running, it really is like a little rocket booster.

“My research ass-istants and I wanted simply to probe the age-old  belief that farting contributes to a runner’s forward momentum,” smirked lead researcher, Dr. Hugh Cottawif.  “Butt, in the end, I think we really got to the bottom of it!”

The study reveals, for example, that each and every fart expelled lowers the runner’s body weight.  Therefore, several farts all in a row – on every footfall, or every other footfall, all in quick succession – can have a noticeable effect on fatigue, as the runner instantly drops several ounces of cumbersome weight from their core. Continue reading

Organizers of Confederate Flag kkk Family Fun Run: “People Are Just Looking for Stuff to Be Offended By”

BY LEO TARD

HAZZARD COUNTY, GA – Ever since the Daughters of the Confederacy announced in August that it would be sponsoring something called the Rebel Flag kkk Family Fun Run this January, the typically quiet dirt roads around here have been choking with frenzied protesters and reporters, like the clouds of dirt left behind by them Duke Boys racing away from Rosco P. Coaltrain in their windowless-but-beloved General Lee. The Heel Strike – never one to shy away from eating others’ dust – sent me to track down the race organizers to see if we could get them to admit that they’re racists. Continue reading