Last week we hit you up with some of the greatest upcoming autumn races. Well, fall is also bringing it in the product category as well! Check out our reviews of some of the most anticipated gear of the new season!
Trail Runner’s Fern Fronds
When nature calls and you’re deep in the backcountry, don’t get caught with your pants down! These handy and hygienic prepackaged fern fronds are perfect for trail runners who actually don’t want a burr up their ass!
Also available in Poo-Poo Poplar, Big-Ass Big-Leaf Maple, and, of course, Dry-As-A-Desert Succulent. $19.99 from REI.com. Import
Penis Sling with Stick
For the minimalist runner who has it all, this Penis Sling with Stick pairs perfectly with toe socks! Run the way nature intended with this one-size-fits-all piece of rope that you tie around your moneymaker to hold it up and keep it from flopping around as you run with a stick, just like the hunter-gatherers of old! And since it’s 100% twine, you can be sure its wickability is second-to-none. The included manual describes in easy-to-understand detail 27 different holds, so purist runners of every shape and size can cruise the trails or city streets in absolute comfort. Plus, no more untimely turtling! 100% money-back guarantee for the lifetime of the stick.
And you gals may or may not have a penis to wrangle, but now you too can run ultra-minimalist style even during “that time of the month”! Choose between pine or floral scent. $180 from Amazon Prime. Imported from Kenya.
With products like these, we’ve got just one question: Has there ever been a better time to be a trail runner? Stay tuned for more great product reviews from The Heel Strike! And, as always, hit us up in the comments with your questions and comments about this run-tastic new gear!