COLFAX, WA – A new study released this month from Washington State University’s Kardashian School of Masturbatory Sciences finally proves what people have suspected for decades: you don’t have to be a serious runner to experience that elusive “runner’s high” – just a chronic masturbator. The study’s lead researcher, Dr. Mike Hawk, says the findings “could really improve the way athletes train.” No longer, for example, will it be necessary to pound pavement for hours, injuring knees, backs, and ankles. Dr. Hawk warns, though, that “as joint-related injuries decline for runners, we could see a significant upturn in wrist injuries and blue balls. We’re talking about vigorous masturbation, here, not the light fare of your average American. We found that light masturbation does not achieve or even come close to reaching a runner’s high – except when followed by vigorous masturbation or a ten- to eighteen-miler.”

For the double-blind study, male and female university students were split into four groups: the first group was asked to masturbate vigorously as researchers looked on, a second group masturbated only lightly, the third group was made to run between 2 and 21 miles, and the final group just watched TV and drank. “We found that those in the running group achieved the ‘runner’s high’ at varying rates,” says Dr. Hawk. “Some, after 1 to two minutes – their high climaxed. But we had a few rock stars out there who brought themselves to the brink after 45 minutes and then held it for a good fifteen to twenty minutes!”

The results were similar for the vigorous masturbation group, but of course those individuals did not have to pound the pavement. That’s not to say they didn’t put in a mighty effort over the two-week study. “They, too, took a pounding,” quips the professor, “and experienced just as much – and in many cases more – chafing.”

While this study was limited in scope to testing the effects of various degrees of autoerotic stimulation to achieve the runner’s high, researchers did also notice a few other benefits of vigorous masturbation. Again, Dr. Mike Hawk: “The individuals in the VM Group actually experienced significant weight-loss, at a rate similar to that of the R Group. This was a happy surprise!” He says it is unclear, though, if the weight loss was due to an increased metabolism – as in the runner’s group – or due simply to the increased and constant expelling of bodily fluids. “I don’t know about you,” laughed Dr. Hawk, “but I know how I’m going to lose that extra holiday weight this year!”


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