SHOE ENTHUSIAST DESIGNING NEGATIVE DROP TECHNOLOGY

BY BILL CHAFEY

SANTA CLAUS, IN –

In a move that could prove to be a game changer in the running shoe world, runner  and running shoe enthusiast Troy Breining is in the preliminary stages of designing a shoe with a negative heel-to-toe differential. Though current market trends favor the continued dominance of highly cushioned trainers now offered by most major shoe manufacturers, Breining’s  surprising twist on the minimalist trend that reached its peak nearly three years ago could produce reverberations felt throughout the industry. Continue reading

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“I Did It for the Attention!”: The Heel Strike Athlete’s Interview with Caitlyn Jenner*

BY JOE KERR

SPANAWAY, WA –

As even the whippiest whippersnappers by now know, back in the 1970’s, Bruce Jenner was the most famous athlete in America – maybe even the world. As a decathlete, he was a miler and a sprinter – a rare breed indeed. At the top of his sport, he was admired by men, desired by women, and the corporate sponsors came clambering.

He got there, famously, by sticking it all out there, not being afraid of what others thought. And Americans loved him for it. And then… almost out of the blue, he did something shocking. Continue reading

Trail Running Shoes…At Work?!

BY FOREMAN T. MILE

Everyone knows a good pair of trail running shoes are practically essential for outdoor running. But if you’re thinking of taking those bad boys off after you leave the dirt behind, think again: More and more, runners everywhere are wearing their trail shoes to work. (Now that’s one “rat race” I can get behind!)  In this article, I take a look at a few new trail running shoes to see how our wear testers thought each pair performed in a corporate office setting. Continue reading

Editor’s Picks: Fall Products!

Last week we hit you up with some of the greatest upcoming autumn races. Well, fall is also bringing it in the product category as well! Check out our reviews of some of the most anticipated gear of the new season!

Trail Runner’s Fern Fronds

When nature calls and you’re deep in the backcountry, don’t get caught with your pants down! These handy and hygienic prepackaged fern fronds are perfect for trail runners who actually don’t want a burr up their ass!

Also available in Poo-Poo Poplar, Big-Ass Big-Leaf Maple, and, of course, Dry-As-A-Desert Succulent. $19.99 from REI.com. Import

2015-09-18 22.08.06

Trail Runner’s Fern Fronds


Penis Sling with Stick

For the minimalist runner who has it all, this Penis Sling with Stick pairs perfectly with toe socks! Run the way nature intended with this one-size-fits-all piece of rope that you tie around your moneymaker to hold it up and keep it from flopping around as you run with a stick, just like the hunter-gatherers of old! And since it’s 100% twine, you can be sure its wickability is second-to-none. The included manual describes in easy-to-understand detail 27 different holds, so purist runners of every shape and size can cruise the trails or city streets in absolute comfort. Plus, no more untimely turtling! 100% money-back guarantee for the lifetime of the stick.

Sling with Stick

And you gals may or may not have a penis to wrangle, but now you too can run ultra-minimalist style even during “that time of the month”! Choose between pine or floral scent. $180 from Amazon Prime. Imported from Kenya.

Floral

Floral

Pine-Scented

Pine

With products like these, we’ve got just one question: Has there ever been a better time to be a trail runner? Stay tuned for more great product reviews from The Heel Strike! And, as always, hit us up in the comments with your questions and comments about this run-tastic new gear!

NEW STUDY FINDS “RUNNER’S HIGH” ALSO ACHIEVED THROUGH VIGOROUS MASTURBATION

BY ANN KUHL

COLFAX, WA – A new study released this month from Washington State University’s Kardashian School of Masturbatory Sciences finally proves what people have suspected for decades: you don’t have to be a serious runner to experience that elusive “runner’s high” – just a chronic masturbator. The study’s lead researcher, Dr. Mike Hawk, says the findings “could really improve the way athletes train.” No longer, for example, will it be necessary to pound pavement for hours, injuring knees, backs, and ankles. Dr. Hawk warns, though, that “as joint-related injuries decline for runners, we could see a significant upturn in wrist injuries and blue balls. We’re talking about vigorous masturbation, here, not the light fare of your average American. We found that light masturbation does not achieve or even come close to reaching a runner’s high – except when followed by vigorous masturbation or a ten- to eighteen-miler.”

For the double-blind study, male and female university students were split into four groups: the first group was asked to masturbate vigorously as researchers looked on, a second group masturbated only lightly, the third group was made to run between 2 and 21 miles, and the final group just watched TV and drank. “We found that those in the running group achieved the ‘runner’s high’ at varying rates,” says Dr. Hawk. “Some, after 1 to two minutes – their high climaxed. But we had a few rock stars out there who brought themselves to the brink after 45 minutes and then held it for a good fifteen to twenty minutes!”

The results were similar for the vigorous masturbation group, but of course those individuals did not have to pound the pavement. That’s not to say they didn’t put in a mighty effort over the two-week study. “They, too, took a pounding,” quips the professor, “and experienced just as much – and in many cases more – chafing.”

While this study was limited in scope to testing the effects of various degrees of autoerotic stimulation to achieve the runner’s high, researchers did also notice a few other benefits of vigorous masturbation. Again, Dr. Mike Hawk: “The individuals in the VM Group actually experienced significant weight-loss, at a rate similar to that of the R Group. This was a happy surprise!” He says it is unclear, though, if the weight loss was due to an increased metabolism – as in the runner’s group – or due simply to the increased and constant expelling of bodily fluids. “I don’t know about you,” laughed Dr. Hawk, “but I know how I’m going to lose that extra holiday weight this year!”

Editor’s Picks: 2015 Fall Races!

With everyone’s favorite season just around the corner, The Heel Strike has carefully curated a list of some of the best races to be found in the contiguous United States. Let’s just hope we’re not too full of Pumpkin Spice Lattes to hit the road!

The Everything Possible 5K (Seattle WA Oct. 5, Portland OR Oct. 12, Boise ID Oct. 19 www.everythingpossible5k.com): With a Rock ‘n Roll band at every mile, organizers spraying colored powder and confetti on racers, and an insane series of giant inflatable slides each with their own mud pit, what’s not to love? (Did we mention it’s at night and you get to run with neon glow sticks?!) Run with your dogs, push a baby stroller, and dress up in your favorite funny wig and superhero costume! Not convinced yet? Here are just some of the awesome additional features:

  • BBQ and beer provided at the start, finish and every K along the way!
  • Follow a map to hidden schwag along the route!
  • Over 127 different divisions and categories – from Masters Mixed Doubles (Military), to First-5k Senior Boy-Girl Team of Twelve (Non-Military) – so it is literally impossible not to be one of the winners!
  • All participants receive a plastic medal from China, a tech-t from Bangladesh, and a mug made in Malaysia!
  • Best of all, $1 of your race fee goes toward environmental sustainability – even the Earth wins!

Be sure to sign up quick for this one – it’s sure to sell out!


The Child Health Day 50k Kids’ Ultramarathon (Multiple locations across contiguous US, Oct. 5 www.childhealthday50k.com): What better way to celebrate National Child Health Day (yes, it’s an actual day that exists) than by signing your kid up for the Child Health Day 50k?! Kids as young as 3 can test their mettle against a grueling 30+ mile course and will make some great memories during the 10+ hours it will take for them to DNF! For those who do manage to finish, race volunteers will help your child forever preserve their achievement at a make-your-own-medal craft station*! Worried your kid doesn’t have what it takes? Parents can join their tots for a modest $50 non-refundable fee! Prove your advocacy for children’s rights everywhere by signing junior up for the hottest kids’ ultramarathon around!

* Craft materials not included in race fee – parents, please bring materials from home for your child.


The HELL-o-ween Devilry 666k Relay (Salem MA to Baltimore MD, Oct 26-31 www.helloweendevilry666krelay.net): Is that a runner on your tail, or Freddy Krueger?! Grab five of your spookiest friends for this freaky tribute to Halloweens of old! Race begins in Salem, MA (where all the craziness began!) and finishes in an abandoned row house in Baltimore, MD. Be ready for some scares along the way, including:

  • Witches that pop out from trees
  • Running at night
  • Ritual animal sacrifices over a bonfire every 100 miles (Are they real or staged? We’re not saying…)
  • Chainsaw sounds (Might be a nearby logger minding his own business, might be a race organizer dressed as Jason!)
  • Members of death metal band Muffled Scream dressed up as clowns
  • Long, uninteresting stretches of pavement

Be one of the first ten teams to finish before the stroke of midnight on Halloween and receive one copy of the Poltergeist trilogy on DVD to scare – er, share – with your teammates! (Can you say ‘movie night’?!) Sounds like one “hell” of a good time to us!


And for you Type A folks out there who like to plan ahead, here’s a little Easter treat hot off the presses!

The 100k-rusade in the Desert (Las Vegas, Easter Sunday 2016 100krusade-in-the-Desert.org): Racers wear 50 pounds of armor as organizers hurl stones, drop hot tar, and lob fiery arrows at them! The course begins on the parched, unforgiving shores of Lake Mead, and ends inside the newly-built Holy Land Casino in Las Vegas! Aid tables provided every 10k by the Knights Hospitalers featuring era-appropriate snacks like fish and dates. And never fear – if you can’t make this one, Wikipedia says there will be a total of 7 k-rusades to the Holy Land, so check back at the website often! And you can bring the whole family, because there’s face painting, camel rides, and a Children’s 1k-rusade! Not sure if you’re ready for a 100k? There’s the Saladin 60 option: shorter, cheaper, and just as honorable*.

* Participants denied entry to the Holy Land Casino.

Hard not to “fall” for that lineup, eh? The only problem we’re having is which race to sign up for first! Readers, hit us up in the comments with your take on this amazing spread!